The Outsider: Tweeting and trumping
By Will Jones - The Outsider | January 12 2017
Sometimes, when I’m a little lacking on the inspiration front, I ask my family what I should write about for my next column. Often, my lovely wife comes up with a valid topic or two. Little Z, though, is not always as reliable.
“Dog farts!” he bellowed, still holding his nose to ward off the after-effect of one of Jeff, our hound’s, finest bottom burps. As the fog cleared, I explained that blurting out the first thing that comes to mind is not always the best policy, and that one should take a moment to consider one’s thought before throwing it out there for any and everyone to hear.
And, it was then that I had a thought of my own.“Trump!” I said. Little Z laughed because ‘trump’ means pretty much the same as fart back in Blighty and my son is well aware of that. “No not trump trump,” I said, “Donald Trump! He’s constantly doing exactly what I’ve just told you not to do, opening his mouth and blurting out stuff before his brain has had time to engage.”
Little Z had lost interest as soon as I’d begun to explain that we weren’t talking poopy stuff anymore but I was on a new track. Yes, Trump and his tweets. Presidential missives, edicts and rants all bundled up into neat little messages of 140 characters or less.
Pretty darn ridiculous if you ask me but I’m a nobody, living in a Canadian backwater, writing for a newspaper that most of you use as fire starter: he’s soon to be the most powerful chap in the world. So, in an attempt to get with the times, and Trump, I thought I’d try to write my column as a tweet, in 140 characters or less. What to write? Dog farts. Little Z says dog farts. I say Trump, not trump. Twitter, or twit Trump rules the world - one awful stinky mess.
Ha ha, I did it. Short and sweet. A train of thought spewed out in the simplest of language possible. You can’t use big words you see, they take up too many letters. That said, you’ll note that I didn’t stoop to using acronyms – lols and wtfs - the bane of the English language and first step in our gradual regression back into the guttural grunts and shrieks of our ape cousins!
Sorry, I lost track for a moment. That rant is another story.
Yes, tweeting, I can see why ‘The Donald’ does it. Plenty of time to get on with more important matters like harassing Mexicans or making lewd remarks about women.
In fact, I may begin to send out my weekly column as a tweet. But, before I do, I’d just like to discuss at length the amazingly powerful and oft eye-watering aroma that can emanate from a dog, for no apparent reason. Why is it they always pretend to be asleep when they do it? And just what is it that makes a dog’s fart so spicy, so distinctively savoury? Never just plain stinky, always kind of hot enough to scorch the hairs off of your nasal canals. And if it smells so bad to me, does it not stink terribly to the dog, seeing as how his nose is hundreds of times more sensitive than mine? Then again, he licks his own bum, too, so I guess we may have different olfactory ideals, me and my trumping dog, Jeff.
WILL JONES - is The Outsider