The Outsider: Drowning in fun, honest!
|By Will Jones - The Outsider | August 31, 2017|
It was the noise: WAP WAP WAP, loud, aggressive, almost as violent as the sensation itself, which I pondered, for a millisecond or two as the pain sunk in.
The feeling, of someone hitting a piece of plywood that you have strapped to your chest with a baseball bat, was, how would you put it? Uncomfortable, to say the least. And, this was the aftermath, the re-emergence, recovery, re-do if you like. The WAP WAP WAP was the violent crashing of the kneeboard as it bounced every which way over the wake of the ski boat that was currently skipping me, gripping tightly onto said kneeboard, merrily across the waves.
Little Z was having a field day. “Come on daddy, get back up on the board!”
“You’re horrible at this!”
“Why are you lying on the water? Get back up!”
He screamed commands between bouts of uncontrollable laughter as his father was dragged, flapping like a dog’s flaccid tongue when the mutt decides to hang its head out of a speeding car window, around the lake.
Jeez, why am I doing this to myself, I thought as I let go of the board; tired of the all-too wet, all-too repetitive 20 km/h smackdown. Now, I bobbed pleasantly, slowly, gently, my life jacket taking the strain, my ears beginning to empty, my arms aching. I’d got off to a shaky but successful start. Dragged off of the beach at what felt like a billion miles per hour but upright on the kneeboard, a short buoyant piece of foam with a strap, onto which you kneel and cinch yourself down. For about a minute, I’d skidded across the waves, hanging for dear life onto the ski-rope and grinning wildly in an all too fake attempt to look like I was having fun.
Then I veered left, the board zipped over the wake from the boat and I was triumphantly airborne for a brief moment, before my face smashed into the lake, hard.
The front of the board had dug in and I’d supplied my son with a spectacular comedy moment – the things we’ll do, eh?
As I came up, the board bonked me unceremoniously in the side of the head, as if to say ‘well done, newbie!’
The water up my nose induced a coughing fit and then the boat was beside me, Little Z and driver Jeff laughing hard.
I thanked them sarcastically for their sympathy, which only seemed to increase their mirth, and then without further ado, there I was being dragged along on my face as I tried desperately to clamber back onto the board.
WAP WAP WAP! Really, this is meant to be fun! No wonder there are 65 million people living on that tiny, almost lakeless island called England and only a fifth as many here in this gargantuan, virtual water world that we call Ontario! Kneeboarding, wakeboarding, water skiing, tubing, and barefoot water skiing for Pete’s sake. Are you people crazy? Or is it perhaps concussion, or water on the brain?
WILL JONES - is The Outsider