The Outsider: Deer acting queerly as I steer
|By Will Jones - The Outsider | July 12 2018|
Those of you who have nothing better to do than read my column regularly (poor souls) will know that my mode of transport has been an old red Chevy Silverado. For those of you who are not inclined to waste precious moments reading about my life in Haliburton (until now), said truck is a tad dented, somewhat rusty and not at all attractive in any way. Not a looker at all, so to speak. But, while I love my old truck, such affairs of the heart must always come to an end and I have recently got a new truck, a big shiny white one, complete with chrome bumpers, electric mirrors and a company logo.
And this truck is really rather sexy. The trouble is that my new truck is a magnet. Not a metal magnet but more kind of how some women are dubbed man magnets. Only my truck doesn’t attract men or women, it seems to be irresistible to deer. Whenever, wherever I drive in my new shiny truck, deer seem to line the road gawping and staring as I zoom past. Some even rush out and try to touch my new shiny truck, so enamored are they by its polished curves and twinkling grill. Tis as if the message of my coming is passed with lightning speed before me as I drive into the village and deer from all parts of the forest jump, gallop and race to be roadside, just itching to leap in front of me as I pass.
This may sound rather far fetched to you, and as I try to explain the phenomenon of my deer magnet truck it sounds pretty crazy to me too, but I can honestly say that I have seen more deer at close quarters in the last month than I’ve been privy to in the previous four years. I might even call it intimacy as my eyes widen in that split second of flashing by a running deer or more slow motion as I slam on the anchors to avoid deer stew.
One four-legged fellow even stood in my driveway next to my truck, looking kind of sheepish, if a deer can look sheepish, when I went out to go to work the other morning. I’ve never seen a deer at my house, I have a resident hound dog for Pete’s sake, but there it stood, a young buck guiltily eyeing my truck when I stepped out of my front door. What it had been doing to my truck I have no clue, and it didn’t hang around to tell me.
Of course, occurrences like this have their benefits; my parents-in-law are bowled over by all the wildlife sightings, they think the deer are wonderful. I know, however, to what lengths these deer will go to when it comes to a deer magnet truck. I’ve seen the carnage and I’m living in fear of one of these love-struck creatures flinging itself onto my irresistible truck. The only solution I can think of is to get my shiny new truck as dirty, rusty and dented as possible quickly. That way the deer will fall out of love with it. Albeit my boss (I mentioned the company logo didn’t I) might fall out of love with me too, cause it’s his truck.
WILL JONES - is The Outsider