The Outsider: The curse of guaranteed success
|By Will Jones - The Outsider | December 14, 2017|
Christmas is upon us. Did I really need to write that? Kind of stating the obvious, isn’t it. Sorry, you must imagine that I think you’re all a bunch of thickos.
I don’t, honest, but it is that time of year when all common sense and reasoning flies out the window. And with it nowadays often seems to fly the sense of mystery, too. I say this because on glancing at Little Z’s advent calendar this morning, I noticed a large white sticker in one corner of the store bought, chocolate-filled calendar; it read, “Mini Candy-Filled Reindeer On Christmas Eve!”
Writ large, right there on the front of the box, it told us what the final, the most anticipated treat would be. Can people not bear be left in suspense, to trust that the chocolate company might make something a little special for the kids? Are folks today so obsessed with control that they can’t buy into a little mystery with their favourite candy maker?
“Bah Humbug,” that’s what I say.
Actually, my granddad used to treat us to the odd humbug and they tasted great!
But, back on to my festive rant, and now to the Elf on the Shelf. There has always been the threat of ‘no presents if you haven’t been good’ at Christmas, and ‘Santa knows ...’ but to infiltrate a billion houses with all-seeing spy elves, who watch silently from a perch upon high during the day and then report back to the big guy at night! I’m surprised that there hasn’t been a horror movie made about such soft toys that come alive after dark and do dastardly things. Oh wait, I remember Chucky from Child’s Play.
And what’s more the Elf, who does not even have a cute name – in official circles he is known only as NAFTA (Naughty Alert Festive Transmission Agent) – is more sinister than Chucky. He presents no obvious physical threat, it is all psychological, more like something from The Exorcist!
But, am I wise to joke about such serious stuff?
I feel safe in the knowledge that the shelf perching midgets have not yet infiltrated my house but please be careful who is watching when you read this because I fear for my safe haven. And, we still don’t fully understand just who these little men are.
Maybe the Elf and his brethren are not spies for Santa at all but instead work for the big box toy stores. They are the evil Toys-R-Us Spy Team, otherwise known as TRUST (boy, I’m getting good with these acronyms), sent in to survey our homes and ensure that there are no nasty surprises in the shape of non-consumerist Christmas trends that the toy manufacturers are not capitalizing upon!
Holy moly, now I’m really onto something and it’s starting to worry me. I think I’m gonna leave you with that thought while I go off and ‘elf proof’ my house – low fences around the perimeter and a grumpy cat should do – and check to see whether the Mini Candy-Filled Reindeer in Little Z’s advent calendar contains a listening device.
Merry Christmas, I hope!
WILL JONES - is The Outsider