The Outsider: It’s spring, definitely, this time...
|By Will Jones - The Outsider | April 6, 2017|
No, it is, really. The odd bout of freezing rain or wallop of snow notwithstanding, it is definitely spring now. I know this because of three defining factors. Three independent elements. Three governing occurrences, which each spell the end of winter, once and for all.
And, in an unusual generosity of spirit that has washed over me for some reason, which is more than likely connected to a couple of days of sunny weather, I’m going to tell you what these three pivotal moments that signal the end of winter are.
The first, and probably the least dangerous – for each of the next two can spell disaster if handled wrongly, mark my words – is the softening of the butter. Yes, I can see some of you nodding your heads. The butter in our butter dish has been hard all winter. Now, this could be because I don’t allow the heating to be turned up high unless the temp outside drops to a level when Jeff the dog is unwilling to pop out for morning ablutions (more on that in a moment), but it is also because the softening of the butter signals a turn in the weather. And I’m sure my lovely wife and Little Z thank me each spring for their enduring a frigid winter in order to witness the springtime softening of the butter.
The second signal is the day when I deem it warm enough in my garage to make it necessary to turn on the beer fridge. As mentioned a moment ago, it is obviously quite dangerous to offer a guest warm beer but, during winter the temperature in my garage drops to levels whereby the little beer fridge is used not to cool beer but to maintain it at a temperature warm enough not to freeze. As such, the fridge is turned off in late December and the beer inside is kept at a nice cool, drinkable warmth, so to speak. But, as of this weekend, the garage warmed up and the beer needed cooling down. See, it’s spring, I tell ya!
Third and final portent of a change in the seasons, and most dangerous of all, is the uncovering of the final few Jeff bombs.
Dog owners out there, you know what I mean.
I am diligent throughout the coldest of weather, honest. In fact, the freezing temperatures of winter make picking up Jeff’s turds far less gross than in the summertime. But, when snow falls like it has done this past winter, a guy is going to miss the odd poop and so they get left, hidden beneath the snow, like lost Second World War mines, until the big thaw finally happens. Then, and only then, can the man of the house sport a rueful grin and say: “Honey, if you need me, I’ll be in the garden doing dung duty, clearing crap, nullifying the number twos...”
Ah, the joys of spring. Always best to have a cold beer on-hand for when you’ve finished that chore. Don’t quite know how I can work softened butter into this last thought... that is, unless you smear it on the spade so that there’s quick release when you flick off the sh...
WILL JONES - is The Outsider