The Outsider: Lost souls and cereal bowls
|By Will Jones - The Outsider | March 23, 2017|
Back in Blighty, there used to be this TV program where three middle-aged men grouched about everything, from sports results to the state of British politics, from the cost of a plane ticket to the price of a can of beans, oh how they moaned. The show was called Grumpy Old Men.
I laughed and laughed at it, after all it was completely ridiculous, right? How could anyone be so curmudgeonly about anything? In contrast, my life seemed brimming with excitement and potential. There were places to go and people to see, everything to do. The world was my oyster. But I was young, and optimistic, and naive. And, I hadn’t tasted oysters! Who wants a world that looks like a giant booger and slips down your throat like you’re swallowing a raw egg yolk?
I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve turned into one of those grumpy old men. And you know what, most of the things that they moaned about are actually true. And there’s more stuff besides! Just the other day, I was in the grocery store when a box with the words ‘Miracle Bowl’ plastered across it caught my eye. On investigation, it was nothing more than a cereal bowl with a divider in the middle so that the user could put dry cereal in one side and milk in the other, to stop their Lucky Charms going soggy, I guess.
Well, I felt the rage building inside of me and my lovely wife obviously sensed it too because she wheeled our cart away rather smartly just as I launched into a tirade about the useless good for nothing losers who need someone to design a ridiculous bowl to keep their cereal and milk apart, and, the gullible, unthinking hoards who are buying such a product.
“Is two bowls too difficult to figure out?” I screeched. “If they’re that bothered by soft cereal, why don’t they eat it straight from the box and then pour a glass of milk down their throats afterwards! I tell you what, let’s develop a semi-softened but not too soggy cereal, too, especially for the poor souls who like their cereal moist but not soaked. And do it quick before they march on the store, claiming it’s prejudiced against them!”
By now my lovely wife was on the other side of the store and I was ranting to thin air. I say thin air because the two teenagers who walked past me didn’t even lift their heads from the electronic device they were staring into, playing some game.
And that’s when it hit me. The Miracle Bowl has come to market at exactly the same time as the Nintendo Switch. For those not in the loop, the Nintendo Switch is not a cleverly branded stick to beat your children with, it’s a gaming device that you can play on the TV at home, then pick up and seamlessly continue playing, via a hand-held device, when you leave the house. Total immersion, 24/7 gaming potential! You never have to stop playing, ever.
And there you have it. “Got distracted by playing your Switch while eating breakfast? Cereal gone soggy? Never again, with Miracle Bowl.” Personally, I prefer the other kind of switch, to swipe these zombie-walking, Miracle Bowl buying, teens around the calves with, as they wander by ignoring the obviously perfectly reasonable ravings of a grumpy old man.
WILL JONES - is The Outsider